It’s been a year since my dear wife, Amy passed away. As I sit at her mum’s house writing this blog and spending these last few days with her family, I think about the next steps forward for me as I continue on my journey alone. There are many questions about where to go from here and part of me finds it difficult to dream. Still, I push aside that feeling of disappointment and look forward believing that God has bigger plans than I can ask or think (Eph. 3:20).

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of Amy’s passing. I’m not sure how I feel about it at the moment, but I have been watching the days on the calendar go by and anticipating April 3rd’s coming. I don’t know if it is because I think that I will somehow be magically released from missing Amy, find a new beginning on the 4th or just achieved a milestone on the road to recovery.

I have decided to take my wedding ring off tomorrow. I will give my wedding bands to my best friend and his fiancee, Nathan and Rhiannon. They will wed this October and my prayer for them is that they will build their marriage on the same things that Amy and I built our marriage on. While Amy and I did not raise a family together, we spent the last decade wrestling through our faith in Christ and what that means to us as a couple. I really want that for Nathan and Rhiannon. I hope that our bands will serve as a reminder of that struggle and that they will take on that challenge as they build a family together.

I find it interesting how people relate to me nowadays. As I share Amy’s story, I find that all kinds of people have connected their own personal stories of grief and suffering with mine. Everything from divorce to infidelity; the loss of a child, cancer patients and their carers, the elderly, financial hardship, et al. I guess it’s because losing Amy is something that is so connected to the heart that everyone reaches out to me as I reach out to them. And in those moments, as my new friend Rob said, the Lord has given me access to people’s souls; access that I previously did not have. It sets the stage for real ministry. It’s terrifying.

I hate that I am unmarried but I don’t like the idea of remarriage. My friend Jim said to me, “I am a better man married than single...” I think I agree with this statement. I appreciate so many things about marriage. However, the idea of marrying again seems like an impossible thought. Forget about the fact that Amy was dead set against the idea of me moving on. What’s really challenging to me is starting the whole process over and having to go through all the different stages of a relationship with someone new. I don’t like that. I liked the set up I had. I liked my life. I love my in-laws. I don’t want any of that to change.

But change is inevitable and I’m not set in my ways. I remain open to the Lord and whatever He wants to do with me, wherever He wants me to go. Obedience has never been a problem, but waiting always is.